Upon reflection, our child's gender dysphoria first appeared when they were a toddler, when they refused to wear anything pink. Maybe they're gay." No problem.īut then we were introduced to gender dysphoria, that very particular feeling transgender and nonbinary people get when they're hyper-aware of having a body that doesn't match their self-perception (introduced by the American Psychiatric Association in 2013). It was a small thing: I saw a picture of them with their arm slung over a girl friend's shoulder, and something in their stance made me think, maybe stereotypically, "Oh. I'd guessed that might be the case when they were nine. Besides, it's always fun to shop with your kid, right? Seriously, my real goal in shopping with them was to keep our communication lines loose and open.Ī year or two before binder shopping, they told us they were gay. I accepted their desire for the binders without much thought beyond wanting to show my support by shopping with them. For their eighteenth birthday we went online together to pick out chest binders, a type of undergarment used by people with breasts who want to have a more masculine look. Their desire to rid themselves of their breasts wasn't a sudden right or left turn. Instead, they worked part-time jobs to earn money to pay for the surgery, researched surgeons, and performed sit ups and push-ups that would increase the chances of a positive outcome of their surgery. As their parent, it was a nail-biter sitting on the sidelines as they contemplated having a bi-lateral mastectomy. Our child chose to have their breasts removed so their body would mirror their true self. Related: Dear son: Wear your rainbow shirt with pride These kinds of changes require deep self-reflection and, ideally, support from friends and family that many trans and nonbinary children don't receive.
It can be hard to reject cisgender culture-the culture of those of us whose self-perception matches our sex-even if moving towards their true sense of self is the right thing to do.
Each step trans and nonbinary kids take closer to aligning with their true identity is fraught with the potential for deep anxiety.
A cultural revolution is in full swing, and it's allowing our children freer expression of their true identities. People now openly identify as transgender, agender, nonbinary, and many other genders, leaving behind the identity their parents assigned them at birth for other, more authentic shores-or turning their back on gender altogether.
They have broken free of the ping-pong of manhood and womanhood. They use they/them pronouns and have a host of friends who do, too.